Late night political ponderings....

I could not sleep last night. It is not uncommon. I spend half my nights lying awake thinking, praying, worrying, hoping, and planning. I like to think that God wakes me up in the middle of the night when there are no distractions or other things to busy myself with so that I can really listen to the whispering of the Spirit. 

But last night all I could think about was Donald Trump.

I have done a pretty decent job of staying above the violent fray of political discord this season. Opinions are too polarized and colored by fear and anger for me to enjoy debate like I used to.  But that doesn’t mean I have ignored the political posts of my friends, or the candidate debates, or the campaign media spots.  And last night I realized that Donald Trump very well might become the next president of the United States of America.

This whole situation is hard for me to even fathom. I struggle to comprehend how good, generous, kind, educated, Christ-loving people can look at me and argue with genuine conviction that Mr. Trump is intellectually, politically, or personally fit to be the president.  I struggle to understand how the evangelical church can listen to a man whose very campaign platform is hate and say that he is the candidate Christ would have us elect. 

-A man who has been married three times but argues gay marriage destroys the sanctity of marriage. 

-A man who is married to an immigrant but argues immigration is destroying America’s greatness and that we must build a wall to keep people out.

-A man who openly and with great joy, on worldwide television, ridiculed a reporter who has a physical disability.

-A man who made his millions at the expense of the poor but argues he is the best hope for the working class. 

-A man who is old enough to remember the horrors of World War II but is insistent on making people register with the government based on religion.   

-A man who says he has no need for forgiveness because he has never been wrong. 

-He lies, without apology, with gusto.

-He belittles women and people of color. 

-He encourages violence as a means of resolving difference.

-He is hungry to engage the war machine.

-He has said many times that he has no interest in diplomacy. 

In fact, I have yet to see even one tiny example of decency, compassion, virtuosity, integrity, honesty, or servitude in Donald Trump or his campaign promises. Yet the Republican Party hails him as their best choice for president?  It is as if there is a shroud around Mr. Trump that prevents people from recognizing the truth and I am overwhelmingly confused, and saddened, by it.

What bothers me the most is not that this man is running for president.  In truth, actually the very fact that Mr. Trump can be and is a candidate for President is one of the things I love best about our country—that anyone can be anything if the right opportunities present themselves (in his case excessive wealth and unearned privilege). Diversity is in my estimation the most beautiful trait of American culture, and I love this country enough to say that part of being free is allowing all to speak, even those who would oppose the very things to which I have dedicated my life.  I do not get his appeal, but I do concede that others do not share my opinions or my perspectives.

So no, it is not Donald Trump’s candidacy that disturbs me, nor is it the fact that the Republicans have embraced him.  (Honestly, it is just one more reminder of why I am not associated with the Republican Party.) What bothers me is that Mr. Trump is claiming to be a devout, God-loving Christian, and even more incredulous, that the right-aligned church is buying it!  That’s what kept me awake last night.  That’s what stirs angst and discord in my heart.

See, Christian means by simple linguistic definition “Christ-like.” How on earth can someone possibly see Donald Trump as “like Christ?”  Now please understand, I’m not suggesting that I or anyone else gets to determine whether someone’s faith is real.  That’s not my job.  But I/we do get to determine whether the rhetoric being fed to us by those in power is genuine, real, authentic.  And we do have a responsibility to test whether or not what is being attributed to God really is from God (1 John 4:1, for example).

I have three Master’s degrees—13 years of post-high school education.  While it doesn’t make me better (or even smarter) that anyone else, my education has taught me how to test what I am hearing to determine whether it is factual and truthful.  As far as facts go, Mr. Trump misquotes other people, has a very warped understanding of history—both ancient and recent—and he says things that are intended to incite panic and fear, even though they are not factual. Several independent and nonpartisan studies have proven that you cannot trust what Donald Trump says (though when stacked up next to other political candidates, Mr. Trump is not the only one to lie, twist the truth, or hide things from the public.) 

As for truth, at least according to the scripture by which I measure my life, everything that claims to be from God must be held up against the great consistent theme of scripture—God is love.  If it is not love, it is not from God. If it is not from God, it cannot be “like Christ.”

I am not writing this to attack my friends who have committed to voting for Trump or to call you names or say that you are wrong.  

But I do ask my Christ-follower friends to consider this:  based on only the things I’ve heard and not the many posts of my fellow liberals, Trump theology includes belittling, discriminating,  and degrading other human beings (based on gender, race, religion, ability, and wealth), joy in the suffering of others (including a promise to bring back torture techniques like waterboarding), a love of money and an insistence that greed is a human characteristic that should be celebrated, deception and flat out lying, and arrogance and a lack of humility. 

Does this sound like “Christ-like” theology to you?  Would Jesus stamp his approval on any of those things? Does this align with scripture that teaches us to care for the poor, welcome the stranger, feed the hungry, embrace the outcast, and care for women and children? Does Mr. Trump’s theology hold up against Jesus who said to lay our very lives down for others, give everything we have to the poor, love God above all things and love our neighbor as ourselves?  

If you cannot answer yes to those questions, then please stop telling me that Donald Trump is the “Christian” candidate.  Vote for him if you want.  That’s a celebrated right of a free America.  But please, DO NOT tie the faith that I cherish and to which I have dedicated my life to a rhetoric that is NOT remotely like the author of that faith, Jesus Christ. 

Because it is only accomplishing one thing—proving to those who want nothing to do with Christianity because they see it as a religion of division and hate that they are absolutely right on, and it makes my job—a Christ follower, evangelist, preacher-teacher who believes God is limitless love—impossible. 

And here's the thing....if Donald Trump really WAS the quintessential Christian, then I would NOT be a Christian, either.

I am not lazy

"I'll tell you how to not be fat anymore. Stop shoving food in your face.  Want to lose weight? Eat less. Don't be lazy." A well-meaning woman at one of my churches once said this to me.  You might imagine I didn't receive that well.  Though my role as pastor had conditioned me to simply nod and smile politely, inside I was seething.  I am NOT lazy. Obviously, I am not a slender person.  My BMI and height to weight ratios put me squarely in the "obese" category.  But I am not lazy.

There is a widely held misconception that FAT equals LAZY.  I've experienced the consequences of that perception (rude comments that have hurt my feelings, not being hired for a job where I was told I was the most qualified applicant, but was too "heavy," a doctor who told me they couldn't treat my ailment because it was most likely weight-related - no matter what the ailment was!). Most of my life I have been fat (heavy, chubby, obese, whatever you want to call it), yet I made a decision early on to embrace life as a person, not as a fat person. This decision has allowed me to do everything I've wanted to do (except bungee jump... I'm not quite there yet!)  I decided to simply be a girl who is fat, not a fat-girl.

The truth is, there is SO MUCH more to obesity than someone who hasn't struggled with their weight often understands.  It is not always about what you "shove in your face."  It isn't always about what you know or how much you work out.  My life is a testament to that:  I carefully count my calories, make healthy food choices, control my portions and refuse to eat anything that someone down the line has said "makes you fat."  I drink water by the gallons. I engage in cardio exercise for at least an hour at least six times a week. When my schedule lets me, I turn that 60 minutes into 90 and I add a half hour in the evening too. I do strength training with a personal trainer, and I have for years. I am strong and flexible. I have tried every imaginable "diet" for years at a time--low carb/high fat, weight-watchers, sugar busters, low fat/high protein, super-calorie restrictive, higher calorie/higher exercise.... not for a few days until I got frustrated but long enough to honestly say my body does not react to it. I have read absolutely everything I can get my hands on about metabolism, weight loss, weight gain, exercise, and health.  You might say I am OBSESSED with weight loss.  But, weight loss eludes me.

I work hard.  I've even consulted experts. The dietitian's response?  "Huh. I don't know what to tell you. You know more about food than I do and you're doing everything right. I really can't help you."  My doctor's response?  "Weight loss isn't an exact science. Your cholesterol is low. Your blood pressure is normal. You are healthy. Keep doing what you're doing and don't sweat it. People die from obesity-related diseases. No one dies from just being fat."  My husband's response? "You're beautiful. I don't care what your size is." My dad's response? "I guess I never really thought of you as being fat...."  And still I keep up with the struggle to lose weight, to find the magic formula between calories in and calories out, working my butt off (figuratively, obviously) every single day in an attempt to reach my goal weight. I have some contributing health issues too. I've been diagnosed with Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) which brings with it hormonal imbalances. I have hypothyroidism. I have a propensity for developing blood clots due to a genetic disease that runs in my family.

All this means that, truthfully, I will probably never reach my goal weight (which is not the 165 that generic charts tell the world I SHOULD weigh, but a much heavier 220 lbs that is the actual "perfect ratio" that my particular makeup of skeletal weight and lean mass would be at its healthiest, according to legitimate metabolic testing that led the doctor to tell me I actually have a really HIGH metabolism--I just burn sugar instead of fat! )  Regardless of whether the numerical value of my gravitational pull every reaches 220 pounds or below, it has no bearing on who I am as a human being.  I'm a good person. I go the extra mile. I'm intelligent, well educated, generally kind and helpful and generous, and I AM NOT LAZY.

I read an article on NPR about fat-shaming that really riled me up because I have spent the last 30 years or so (I'm not sure I was ever really fat before I hit 2nd grade) experiencing firsthand the negativity of fat-shaming. I've heard people I know, love, and respect tell me that I'm not worth as much as other people because I'm fat, that I'm a sloth who doesn't take care of herself, that if I'd just try this, that, or the other thing I would lose weight easily, that I shouldn't sit on a particular chair because it's "fragile," and.... the list could go on.

I share my story for two reasons. 1) I have a lot of fat friends. Some of you hate yourself because you look in the mirror and see a body that the world says is too big.  I want to tell you to STOP.  Your worth, your beauty, and the wealth of amazingness you have to offer this world have absolutely nothing to do with whether or not you're fat.  You have to learn to ignore the chatter and love yourself, because honestly, you're the only one who has the power to change how you feel about yourself.  Don't be one of these people whose lives are cut short because of the negative effects of being shamed because of your weight.

And, 2) if you're someone who looks at someone like me and wonders, "Why don't they just lose weight?"... get over yourself. You have no idea what it is like to walk in my shoes. You have no idea how hard I work every day to be healthy and fit. Fat does NOT equal lazy. But fat-shaming DOES equal inhumane.   And finally, you can be fat, and healthy, or skinny and healthy. You can be fat and unhealthy, or skinny and unhealthy.  I challenge you, whatever your weight, to begin to make healthy life-style choices, because the trade offs (energy, self-esteem, increased endorphins, longevity) are well worth the time and energy you have to expel in the process.

Anyway, this isn't a rant and it's not a plea to have you pat me on the back, or-worse-give me advice. It's simply me saying, there's more to me than being fat. And there's more to you, too.

Beginnings.

Welcome to my blog!

This is my first actual blog, per se. But, I kept an online journal for years. It was deeply satisfying to see my inner monologue spewed across the screen, and even more satisfying to know it had viewership.  There is something comforting about knowing that you are leaving something for posterity (even if the inherent value of what is being left behind is negligible).

But somehow in the busyness of an enormous life, I forgot to write, and, more tragically, I forgot how much I loved to write.  So, after a 7 year hiatus, tonight I pick up the digital pen and begin again.

I imagine the posts to come will be part intended as soliloquy, and part intended for dialogue, a play by play of life in progress and a commentary on the process of becoming whoever it is I'm (still) becoming.

The last 7  years have been, to say the least, overwhelming.  I'll write about some of those experiences in days to come, but for now, I am ready to take some really big risks for the sake of becoming the change I hope to see in the world. (thanks, Gandhi!) I've practiced with some small ones, but I am deeply satisfied and I crave more. Somehow, I'm not sitting so comfortably in the skin I'm in. 

So, here's to next steps, possibilities, and words.